The Main Players
- Sylvant Tritcheon Hash
- The heroine, the protagonist, the main character, the one the story's about, hence the title of the book.
- Verdant Scusteister Schwamp
- Tritcheon Hash's best friend when she was at the academy. Her best gal. The only one who ever got into more trouble than Tritch. Famous for her talent in procuring contraband. Brief reappearance in chapter 10 as the Coney Island rep at the once-yearly baby exchange with Earth. She has a blog at livejournal
- Lt. Bangut Whalt
- Everyone's favorite dream boy. Beautiful, sensitive, successful in farming, and has a really fast personal jet.
- Drannie Cove
- Everyone's favorite dream girl. Thin wrists to die for. Born pretty and wealthy. Great taste and in total control of every situation. Except in her marriage to Tritcheon Hash.
- Col. Slab Ricknoy
- The antagonist, the enemy, the nemesis, the one not to root for. Pudgy.
- The Stubbenhaust
- "Stubbo" for short. State of the art test rocket that fails to get out of the starting gate and thus serves as a cheap metaphor for Tritch's stalled life in the very first scene of the book.
- The General
- Character so named because she takes on every generic characteristic of any "General" in any book ever written (see Dostoevsky's books, he always has one. In "The Idiot" he had two.): forthright, strong, long-lived, sagacious, and most of all showing endless support for her protege, Tritcheon Hash. The only military person on Coney Island with a rank that is not based on a word associated with plants.
- Coney Island
- That paradise of woman's retreat. Ass-biting cold.
- Dalrymple
- Uptight sorority type at the Academy with Tritch. Spineless, uses her apparent good looks to get other people to do things for her. Foil for Tritcheon Hash early on because she's easy to disgust.
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